I’m pretty sure I’m a horrible person.
I don’t even know where to start with what happened today. Everything just kind of went *kabooooom!*
Boyfriend said something innocently not realizing I was in the middle of a panic attack. And it made it twice as bad. He said “I need you to stop.” He didn’t mean it in regards to panicking. It was over text message. He didn’t know.
But I couldn’t just stop and it make it wide because I WANTED to stop for him. I wanted to be able to do that one thing. Just….stop.
And as my panic subsided I got angry and I thought horrible thoughts about someone who has ash own himself to be kind and good and caring time and time again. Just truly awful thoughts.
I know it was thought in anger, and that I didn’t mean it, but I still feel so genuinely horrible. I don’t even know where to start making amends to someone who really has had a strong positive impact on my life. He pulled me out of a really deep depression. He got me interested in life again. Got me doing little things around the house to take care of myself. Has supported me through some really crappy weeks.
He’s held my hand while I’ve dealt with chemo and migraines and never once complained about any of it. I don’t know what I’ve done.
I know that we’ll get through this. I’m not worried that anyone is going to leave anyone else. I’m just not sure how I, myself, will figure out how to move on and be okay with myself again.
Sometimes life is really confusing and I really wish it could just be simple again. 3 jobs, cancer, and everything else that comes with being an adult. Feel like it’s all starting to slip again. Getting heavy…
Sorry for whining. Just need to get the thoughts out.